Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I'm so OVER the Easter Bunny!

And the more I think about it, I'm over Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, too.  (Elf on the Shelf is real, so I'm not including that guy in my rant.)

I would consider my past self as someone who believed that children should hang on to those magical, mythical present depositors for as long as possible.  But now that I'm a whole eight years into this shit, I'm ready to break the news to my kids. 

Before you blow up my comments with how and why I shouldn't shatter their magical childhood, don't worry.  I want to, but I won't.  Not yet anyway. 

So, as I'm planning the Easter baskets for the kids this year, two things happened. 


 I told Jay how stressed I was about all I had to do this Spring including the baskets, and he said, "Oh.  Those are easy."  To which I replied, "Great.  Then you are assigned Easter basket duty."  He said, "Fine.  I'll just go to Walgreen's and get one that's already made and ready to go." 

I didn't say anything back, but you know I cringed.  Because you just cringed when you read that.

Um, no.

I made a list of what I wanted to put in their baskets.  I was going for simple and fun.  My list included sidewalk chalk, a birdhouse that they can paint, some seeds to plant, etc.  You know, crunchy mommy things.  Anyway, I started thinking about how creative and wonderful I am and how much they'll LOVE these baskets...that they get...FROM THE EASTER BUNNY?!  And I realized then and there that I'm completely over busting my ass to make this magic on behalf of someone/thing that doesn't even exist! 

They'll grow up remembering that they had great baskets and gifts, sure, but they won't be able to thank me on the spot for the things they love.  Selfish of me, I know, but those suckers are a lot of work, and I've done my time!

In conclusion, I'll probably let my husband buy the crappy baskets from Walgreen's...NEXT Easter.  This year, I'm going to let the Easter Bunny blow their mind one last time and look surprised at how amazing and creative that jellybean-pooping, boiled egg-dying, candy-hiding, spotlight-stealing rabbit is!

Bedtime Stories (Mine, not the Adam Sandler Movie)

I was in bad need of some me-time tonight, so I tried to cut the bedtime routine short.  I skipped baths, cups of water and reading a book.  BUT, they insisted on a story.  (For those who don't know, I have two girls.  E is 8 and A is 5.)  So here's how it went:

A: Mom!  Read me a story.

Me: I'll tell you a story.  Once upon a time, there was a girl named Aubrey who didn't go to bed like she was told, and she stayed up too late, and the night monster came and ate her. The end.
A: Really, mom?  That's not a real story.  Tell me a REAL story.

Me: Okay.  Once upon a time, there was a...(looking around her room for inspiration) dinosaur who lived in a cage.  And that made him very very sad.  So he bit through the bars, ran to the forest, and now he lives on our lot and eats all of the bunnies.  The end. 
The Inspiration

A:  Grrrr.  That's terrible!

E: Tell ME a story.
Me: Okay.  (Looking around her room for inspiration)  Once upon a time, there was a little girl who sewed.  And she sewed and she sewed and she sewed and she sewed and she sewed.  Then she stopped sewing because she realized she was hungry.  But when she stood up, she saw that she had sewed herself to the chair.  So she starved to death.  The end.

The Inspiration
E:  Ugh!  You know that's really going to happen to me now, right?  Tell me a REAL story about something REAL!

Me:  Okay.  Once upon a time, there was a mermaid...


Me:  Okay.  Once upon a time, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus went on vacation...

A: And Jack Frost and the Sandman and Elsa and Ana?

Me: Yes.  All of those people and all of the other Disney characters.  And they went on vacation to Mexico.


Me:  And they all went to dinner at Carlos & Charlie's.  They drank margaritas and ate Mexican food and sang all of their songs.  They all ate lots of chips and salsa.  What they didn't realize was that the salsa was made from ROTTEN TOMATOES!  So they all go sick and had diarrhea for a WEEK!    


Me:  But they're all better now.  The end.  Goodnight.