Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Last Thursday Morning (two months ago)

Hi!  I've been a little uninspired and/or inspired-but-afraid-my-post-might-land-me-in-jail for the past two months-ish.  I'm back now.  Calm down.
You may be wondering what could possible bring me out of hiding.  How fantastic could it be.  Brace yourself.  I had a morning last Thursday (two months ago) that left me so inspired, it only took me 6 days to put my experience into words.  And two months to post it! 
The Bus Stop
So...my driveway is the bus stop.  I spend as much time as possible out there bossing around other people's children when no other adults are around, and yet the children still like me.  Take my little neighbor girl:  We'll call her Suzy (because I like replacing s's with z's).  Seven-year-old Suzy ran to my door and hugged me as soon as she saw me.  Sweet.  She was excited to tell me about her new puppy:
S: Hi!  We got a new puppy!
Me: Oh yes.  I saw him.  He's cute.  He's a pit bull, right?
S: Yes!  His name is TITAN!  He has a brother at my cousin's named DEISEL!
Me:  Oh, he has a brother.  That's nice. 
S: Well...His name WAS Budweiser, but we changed it to Titan because my cousin's dog was named Bud Light, and he changed it to Deisel.  So when he did that, we changed our dog's name from Budweiser to Titan.
Me:  I think Titan is a much better name for a dog.  I'm glad you chose that name. 
S: (Proud as any snaggle-toothed 7-year-old can be) YEP!  His full name is Titan Budweiser Scotch. 
WHA? WHY? WHO?  Our dog's name (Schatzi Annie Cupcake Sprinkles) is ridiculous and long, but it's kid-appropriate, people!!!!
Estaban's Monte Carlo
On this very same day, I picked up my intern to take her to work, and on leaving her drive way, I backed into her neighbor's Antique Monte Carlo (before you get to gasp-y, we're in our mid-thirties, so shit we used to drive around in in high school almost qualifies for antique plates).  DOH!!  She told me, "His name is Steve, but his REAL name is Esteban Smith."  Really?  So I got an image in my head of what "Esteban" might look like.  And then I met him (to pay him for damages).  Here are the before and after pictures (neither are really Esteban, but you get the idea):

Esteban in my head

More accurate, but he was smiling
because I paid him $300 to fix his fender.
There is an obvious lesson here.  If your baby doesn't look like an Esteban, don't name him Esteban and get all of our hopes up.  Oh, and his last name is not Smith I later found out...Added comment bonus: What would you have named this guy? 

Fat Vegetarians ROCK their Blood Work!

So, I'm almost a year into my vegetarian lifestyle, and I'm thrilled to report that I'm in the excellent range for all of my stuff.  Stuff = blood sugar, cholesterol, liver function, IRON (for you haters), metabolism, etc.  NOW, if I only I could master the equation that is:


But, for now, I'm healthy, y'all!!  I'm not saying I haven't lost weight, but it's unclear if it's stress or the fact that I'm feasting on more plant-based foods.  If only Oreos and wine weren't accidentally vegan.  Well, most wine.  It's at least vegetarian if not vegan.  And I don't buy Oreos.  (How do my posts always end up with confessions??)


This is all excellent news.  Now for the bad news - for my husband, at least.  The doctor did not test my sanity.  I admit, it is probably not in the "optimal" range...but I urge you to ask yourself, "Would I REALLY like Jennifer if she wasn't bat-shit crazy?"  If you answered "Yes," then maybe you should ask yourself, "Would her blogs be worth reading if she wasn't bat-shit crazy."  I'm guessing that is a 100% "No."  See!  Crazy, but smart like a human!

There is a logical conclusion to this post coming riiiiiiiiight now.  Since A) I'm a fat vegetarian, and B) I STILL want to be a hipster, I'm going to go design my own ironic t-shirt.  If you want one, just let me know.  Here's my first draft.  I'll probably try to sweet-talk my brother into some fantastic artwork.  Sorry, Barrett.  I can only pay you in hummus.