Monday, July 16, 2012

Saying "Yes" and/or Giving 100%

I have come to appreciate the people with bumper stickers that say, "Yes, this is my truck.  NO, I will not help you move."  They are good, honest people. 

Maybe I'm getting old and cranky, or maybe I just see things more clearly at my present age, but I can't help but be annoyed by the people who say, "Yes*" but mean "No."  IF you say "Yes*" to something, then do that something with freaking joy and happiness.  It does no one any good if you agree to help but act like an ass. 

Here is a list of things that might make you say "Yes*" when you actually mean "No."  This is a self-help tool of sorts.  If you read it carefully, make up your mind now whether you'd say "Yes*" or "No" then you can spare the rest of the world from your bad attitude:
  • Help Move
  • Go to a Party
  • Go to Dinner
  • Hold a Baby
  • Get Married
  • Lend Money
  • Loan a Car
  • Try Seafood
  • Donate Blood
  • Go to the Gym
  • Visit a Church
  • Do Housework
  • Match
  • Assemble Furniture
  • Call an Ex
  • Donate Organs
  • Give Legal/Tax/Business Advice
  • Be the Designated Driver
  • Watch Magic Mike
  • Put "it" on your Credit Card (No really, we'll pay you back)
  • Start Weight Watchers
  • Go to a Strip Club
  • Go to a Non-Strip Club
  • Volunteer for a Good Cause
  • Run/Walk a Marathon/Obstacle Course
  • Be in a Wedding
  • Host a Party for Avon/Tupperware/Scentsy (although I love my Scentsy)/Thirty-One/Mary Kay/Discovery Toys/Southern Living/Pleasure Party/Premier Jewelry/Etc.
  • Sponsor a Child
  • Go Shopping with your Wife
  • Pet/Baby/House/Plant Sit
  • Fix a Computer
  • Fix Anything Around the House
  • Help an Old Lady Cross the Street

* Yes, Sure, Yeah, I guess so, I got your back, Okay, Why not, Absolutely, For Sure, Aye Aye, You Betcha, You got it, 10-4, I'll be there, Yeeeeeeeeesssssshhhhhhhhhh, Heck Yes, Hell yes, You can count on me, I'm your girl/boy, Would I let my best friend down, Affirmative, *nodding head*, etc. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

God and the Secrets of Food

Yesterday on my drive to work, I was thinking about the question(s) I will ask God when I meet Him (cue Dishwalla).  It turns out I don't have a ton of questions for God, and my commute is about 8 minutes, so I had to come up with something fast.  Since food is both my friend and my natural enemy here on Earth, I figured it would be an enlightening topic.  That's it! I want to talk to God about all-things food. 

My conversation with God goes something like this:

Me: God, what are the secrets in the foods of the Earth?  Are there plants that can REALLY cure or prevent diseases like cancer?

God: There are many secrets, my child.  Look only to the rind of the watermelon for a cure for all cancers.** 

Me:  *Staring is disbelief.*

God: *Staring back in disbelief that I'm disbelief-ing Him.*

Me: So you're telling me that the white part of the watermelon that my mom warned me not to eat because "it will give you a stomach ache" is the cure for cancer? 

God: Yes. 

Dumbfounded, I break eye-contact with God, and the next person is up with his/her question.

I sincerely hope that I can come up with something better than that when the time comes, but it's good to have a back-up question. 

**If the rind of the watermelon does cure cancers, I don't know about it.  Please do not seek out watermelon rinds as an alternative treatment based on this blog.

Monday, July 9, 2012

The Birth of A Blog

People often tell me I should have a blog.  After a good story and about five minutes of laughing at my own anecdote (that's like laughing at your own joke, but on a highly intelligent level), someone will say, "You really should blog."    

I'd like to think that these friends recommend blogging because they want to read my hilarious anecdotes when it's too late to call my cell phone and get one "live", but, if I'm being completely honest with myself (and everyone reading this), it is likely just a 21st century way of telling me that I need therapy. 

Either way, a blog is born.  This blog does not have a theme like "Craftiness" or "My Amazing Family", although I'm both crafty-ish and have an amazing family.  You're likely to read about God then about Eddie Vedder; or, less predictably, my obsession with core strengthening (which at this point is more theory than practice) followed by my favorite yarn of the month; OR any combination of these topics in one mind-blowing blog post. 
To those who think I need therapy AND to my friends who share my same disturbing sense of humor: Thanks for the encouragement.  Here goes!