Tuesday, August 20, 2013

My tiny therapist

Tonight, we were reading "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss, and the kid had some questions.

"What is a 'lurch'?"

"Why does this book say 'guy' when I'm actually a girl?" (Not much is cuter than hearing my 4-year-old say "actually"...or recognizing that I own a tiny feminist.)

"What is a 'slump'?  Is it like being bummed?"

"Why is he moving a mountain?"

As you can see, it takes us a while to read a single Dr. Seuss book.

Anyway, nights like tonight, I catch myself explaining ideas to this kid.  Tonight it was "climbing (figurative) mountains".  I think, "Why are you doing this?  She thinks you are talking crazy,"  But I just keep talking. 

In my example, I explained that I have "mountains" and one of those mountains is being a good wife. Before I could even get into the "climb" of it all (because why else do we have children if not to have tiny therapists?), she said, "You know what I know?  You are a great mom.  That was a great mountain!  Now let's go to sleep."

Ahh.  It makes me wish I was four.  But if I can't be four, I'm extra-super-delighted that THIS four-year-old is mine!  Oh, the places this kid will go...

Monday, August 12, 2013


Today was kind of crappy, so I decided to dust off a post that never made it to press.  It reminded me that even on a crappy day, I have so much to be thankful for!


No, not the show...the real thing.  I was driving home tonight from an evening of fund-raising and fun when something happened.  I just started crying.  Not because I'm sad or my life is incomplete, but because...just because. 

I suppose some of the tears were for people to whom I wish I could say one more thing - my dad, my first boss, my crazy aunt.  But mostly they were tears of joy.  Maybe, my heart is so full, something had to give. 

I have an amazing, full life.  Really, I do.  And a huge part of my amazing, full life are my awesome friends.  They laugh with me.  They cry with me.  They pray for me.  They even set me straight when I need it.  Some share my twisted sense of humor while others don't "get me" but choose to love me anyway.  A few friends will even wrap the preachers' houses with me.  Some sense when I need a pick-me-up, and others know how to let me down gently.  I can't imagine my life without them. 

To my friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

A new tattoo?

I've been contemplating a new tattoo.  I'm not totally sure why, but it sounds like a good idea.  Maybe I'm mid-life and don't know it.  Whatever...that's not the point.  

The point is, I have been talking to my extremely anti-tattoo mom about it.  What to get, where on my body, etc.  I was considering a few things.

Maybe this somewhere on my back:

My (ex) best friend suggested this to cover my entire back (maybe because it looks like her a little...).  

"I think it's sexy.  In a very confident kind of way...for an asshole."  Her words, not mine.

I really REALLY love this, but it would require a flawless, 20-year-old back and about $600.

Anyway, you can vote in the comments if you like, but my mom decided to give her two cents.  She suggested I get a tattoo of a mermaid in honor of my sweet little wannabe Mer-child.  I thought it was a great idea...then I started thinking out loud:

Me:  I COULD do that! She would love it!  But then, I would have to get something for the little one.  Maybe a ballerina?  Or a Mermaid with a tutu?  I KNOW!  A ballerina mermaid with a wand, so it's a fairy princess ballerina mermaid.  That should cover everything...

Mom:  How about you just go buy yourself a nice shirt?

Well played, mom.  Well played. 

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Vanity Plate Advice

Some people don't think these things through.  Vanity plates can really affect the rest of your life.  Clever uses of vanity plates include:

"BUGCHIC" if you make a lifetime of driving VWs
"FSTBTCH" if you drive fast or put out on the first date
"TEXNFAN" if you LOVE the Texans
"AGGMOM" if you have a kid at Texas A&M or little kids who aggravate you
"ASSMAN" if you are a proctologist

You get the picture. 

Some other loves/like/habits, though?  Not so much.  Take this guy for example.  I'm sure his wife makes the best, and I'm sure it's delicious, but why advertise that you LOVE LOVE LOVE to eat:

That's a "W" not an "N".  Yes.  It says:

Gross, dude.  Gross. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Vacation Week Blog Challenge

Written at 10:00 am in a massage chair:

My vacation week officially started today, so I am challenging myself to one interesting blog per day.  (I'll measure "interesting" by my own amusement level in case you are curious.)

Written at 11:26 pm on my mom's couch:

This was a great-sounding idea at 10 this morning while I was getting a pedicure and (surely) had something clever to tell you all; however, now that it's almost midnight, and my brain has melted from a day of getting my kids ready to go out of town...yeah, I got nothin'. 

But, Hey!  It's tax-free weekend, so I will most definitely have an adventure to tell about tomorrow!  In the meantime, here is a Freaking Mermaids! update.

I thought my plan was golden: have her say goodbye to all of her loved ones and her new kitten.  Drive her to a nice rocky hill (volcano) and then tell her to get out of the car and go live her dream.  My friends did not think that was a "Mom of the Year" type move, so they made lots of suggestions.  A favorite was to dress up like a mermaid myself and embarrass her to death, but they don't make mermaid tails in plus size.  (I know!  I was shocked, too!)  So, I made her a deal.  I told her that I want her to live her dream, but we have to compromise.  If she promises to stay a human until she graduates from high school, then I will take her to this volcanic moon pool (this is not a REAL thing, y'all) and she can jump in.  She TOTALLY AGREED!  Thanks to my friends for their advice!

Here's hoping she grows out of this over the next 11 years.  

Tuesday, August 6, 2013


Does anyone know of any books or movies (that are kid-appropriate...) that portray mermaids as ugly, evil, wretched, vile things???

My kid longs...LOOOONGS to be a mermaid.  It's all she can think about, and I can't convince her that she will never be a mermaid.  Even if God Himself visited her and said, "I am God, and I made you a human, and you will never EVER turn into a mermaid because I never made mermaids," she would not believe Him.  Not because he speaks in run-ons, so how could He possibly be the real deal?, but because she has seen mermaids on TV, SO. THEY. ARE. REAL! 

And she knows how she can turn into one. 

"How," you ask?

Step One: Ask your Nana to make you a mermaid tail from beautiful pink fabric. 

Step Two: While you wait for your tail, spend as much time as possible practicing your mermaid kick.  (AKA dolphin kick for you human swimmers out there.)  Reading a book before bedtime? Mermaid kick.  Laying on the floor watching TV?  Mermaid kick.  At swimming lessons?  Mermaid kick (even when you're told not to and you get kicked out of the pool).  Setting the table?  Mermaid kick - which looks like belly-dancing because she's standing up... 

When do you NOT mermaid kick?  When you're told to "BE STILL!"  Then, practice sitting how a mermaid would sit on a rock.

Step Three: Find a volcano, by an ocean, that is the right temperature inside.

Step Four: Wear your bikini (because cool mermaids ALWAYS show their midriff).

Step Five: Wait until the full moon, then JUMP INTO THE VOLCANO!

Here's where I had to intervene.  It went something like this:

Me: Alright.  If you jump into a volcano, you will DIE.

Her: No I won't.

Me: Yes.  They are filled with lava.  You will die instantly.

Her: (As convicted as any person might be)  Not if it's the right temperature!

Me: *speechless*

I know, I know.  She sounds like a character from Girl, Interrupted right? 


Monday, August 5, 2013

Bathroom Graffiti

I had the honor of attending a  luncheon with my family at a restaurant at the Beltway and Beechnut.  Truly an interesting part of town, so the fact that it had bathroom graffiti was...well...it was not surprising.  While the food was decent, the bathroom graffiti was the real treat du jour! 

I'm sure I became the talk of the table when I kept getting up and taking my  phone to the bathroom.  (I did this for you, reader, because I love you.)  So much to take in in one, ahem, sitting.  AND I almost got busted taking photos (with flash) in the stall when another restaurant patron walked in.  "Creepster is the new Hipster."  Pass it on.

I'd like to pose two statements/questions that cover almost all of these works of art. First, lawmakers might consider poor phonetic spelling of baby's names a Class B Misdemeanor.  Qs weren't really meant to be used THAT much.  Second, WHY do so many people carry permanent markers??  And why do those people think it's okay to write on walls?  Why??  I have lived to see 34 without EVER writing on some one's wall - well, except when I was three, and my mom told me I'd have to find a new home if I didn't quit that shit immediately.  (I'll share that story some other time.)

Alright.  Without further ado, here are the pictures and my commentary on this first edition of "Bathroom Graffiti".

Not sure about Tweety's use of symbols.  Maybe she's sneering at me.  Maybe she's almost a feminist...if. those two. plus signs. will. just. touch. the. circles. of. LIIIIIIFE!  I already like her, but that blob next to her artwork cried a little bit.  See the tear?

Look at these two BFFs complimenting each other on the bathroom wall.  "[Ber]anna's the best."  "No, girl.  You are.  'Qaliya got swag'."  "Hold up.  Let's go get these made into tattoos!"  "I'll call Tweety!" "Naw.  That hoe is practically a feminist."

Oh yeah?  I <3 albert moost.  *smh* Canadians...

I'm going to need y'all to agree how to spell "Zayn".  Just zayin.  Az far az uzing "z" in playz of "s", I think it's charming...zaid no one ever.

Please.  Someone volunteer to give me a post-mortem, bathroom wall shout-out. Please. (You may volunteer to do so in the "Comments" section of this blog.)


Do this.  Not because I say so, but because the Wing-ed Bear Head says so.  (By the way, this is one worthy of MY calf.)

Until next time...Keep thoze Sharpies sharp!!!