Does anyone know of any books or movies (that are kid-appropriate...) that portray mermaids as ugly, evil, wretched, vile things???
My kid longs...LOOOONGS to be a mermaid. It's all she can think about, and I can't convince her that she will never be a mermaid. Even if God Himself visited her and said, "I am God, and I made you a human, and you will never EVER turn into a mermaid because I never made mermaids," she would not believe Him. Not because he speaks in run-ons, so how could He possibly be the real deal?, but because she has seen mermaids on TV, SO. THEY. ARE. REAL!
And she knows how she can turn into one.
"How," you ask?
Step One: Ask your Nana to make you a mermaid tail from beautiful pink fabric.
Step Two: While you wait for your tail, spend as much time as possible practicing your mermaid kick. (AKA dolphin kick for you human swimmers out there.) Reading a book before bedtime? Mermaid kick. Laying on the floor watching TV? Mermaid kick. At swimming lessons? Mermaid kick (even when you're told not to and you get kicked out of the pool). Setting the table? Mermaid kick - which looks like belly-dancing because she's standing up...
When do you NOT mermaid kick? When you're told to "BE STILL!" Then, practice sitting how a mermaid would sit on a rock.
Step Three: Find a volcano, by an ocean, that is the right temperature inside.
Step Four: Wear your bikini (because cool mermaids ALWAYS show their midriff).
Step Five: Wait until the full moon, then JUMP INTO THE VOLCANO!
Here's where I had to intervene. It went something like this:
Me: Alright. If you jump into a volcano, you will DIE.
Her: No I won't.
Me: Yes. They are filled with lava. You will die instantly.
Her: (As convicted as any person might be) Not if it's the right temperature!
I know, I know. She sounds like a character from Girl, Interrupted right?