Thursday, September 13, 2012

If I Was In Charge of the World...

I have had unusual and/or random thoughts my whole life.  Some leave my head as quickly as they entered it (running a marathon) while others linger (hitting my husband with a phone book while he sleeps...will it really not leave a bruise?).  One of my most recent lingering thoughts has been what I would do if I was in charge of the World or maybe just a tiny country...okay, maybe an island that a few people lived on but no one else knew about. Whew. There.  ( I'm continuing to flesh this thought out as I write.  Bear with me.). 
It started off simply enough.  I saw a picture of George Michael the other night, and I thought, "If I was in charge of the whole world, George Michael wouldn't be gay.  And he'd be married to me."  I realize this would require magical powers, but in my world, I have those, too.  Oh, and polygamy would be fine without being creepy because I'd want to be married to Robert Plant, Jimmy Fallon, Randy Travis, Chef Ramsey and Zachary Levi, too...but I digress.
So, now that this world-island exists in my head, I have a new drawer in my thought "file cabinet" in which to file some of my random thoughts.  This list could become very long, but lucky for you, I could only think about it for a few days before I had to commit this kind of genius to the writing.  Before you settle in to read an all-hilarious-all-the-time post, be warned that some of my ideas are serious.  {serious face}

Because almost all of my readers are super-intelligent, you already know that I am a princess and I have...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...six princes.  But I bet you didn't know that in/on my world-island:
Workplace bullying would be punished with death-by-bully.  I have figured out what that would look like, exactly, but it would happen, and it wouldn't be pretty.

The use of the phrase "de rigueur" would rigueur.
People just wouldn't be fat if they didn't want to be.  They could be whatever size made them happy.
Everyone would be a Christian.  Not a corrupt Christian or a casual Christian, but the real deal.  The kind of person that one looks at and thinks, "Now that is a  good Christian man/woman."

***Before you start yelling at me about religious freedoms and the beauty of diversity, remember that this is MY world-island.  Get your own.***
There would be absolutely, positively NO PROCESSED FOODS or artificial sweeteners.  And Fully Raw Kristina would bring me vegetables and fruit all of the time.  And each week, she'd teach me how to make something rawfully delicious!

Speaking of processing foods...the restrooms in my world-island would be places where women can go to the restroom without fear of someone hearing them.  I'm not sure if that means all restrooms will have white noise or if everyone will just be accepting of normal body functions.  Either way, same outcome. 
Dave Ward would be the news anchor forever, and Gina Gaston could only be his co-anchor if she would please let me give her some wardrobe advice...Damn, Gina.

My world-island would look more like Texas because I don't like palm trees all that much.  
...but it would have NO chiggers.  PERIOD.  

Train would write and sing my national anthem.  And Pat Monahan could become my 7th prince.  AND he wouldn't call me "Jennifer".  He'd call me "Soul Sister". 

 Yep.  That about does it (for now).  I could honestly leave this post as a draft and add to it forever, but then no one would have the chance to psychoanalyze this magnificent brain OR come up with ideas for their own world-island, or world-mountain or whatever.  If you are interested in a piece of land on my world-island, email me.  It's inexpensive, I promise!