Would someone please come get my "Mom Card"?

It's not that I don't love being a mother.  I REALLY love my kids.  It's that sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for this.  Surely other mothers have felt this way.  -ish.  I'm hoping. 

Anyway, take today for example.  We get home, let the dogs outside, and my 7-year-old discovers some lizards doing the boomshakalaka on her little rocking chair.  How do I handle it?  Much like you'd expect Lilith from "Cheers" to handle it (Frasier's wife, remember her?) 

Kid:  Look, mom!  Lizards on my chair!  Uh...what are they doing?

Me:  They're copulating.  Leave them alone.

Kid:  Cop-a-lating? 

Me:  Yes.  They're making baby lizards.  Leave them be.

Kid:  Sister!  Come here and see these lizards!

Kid2:  Wow!  That green lizards is biting the brown lizard.  Let's stop him.

Me:  No!  Let's let them copulate in peace and quiet. 

Just when I thought I had made it out alive...

Kid2:  What's that mean?

Me:  Making baby lizards.  Inside.  Now.

Kid2:  Did you know lizards poop babies?  They poop them out of their butts. 

Me: Nap time.  Let's go.


I sure hope my kids grow up to be normal adults.  If they don't, I only have myself to blame.